Me--Transparent. Me--Honest. Me--healthy.
It's hard being transparent. I've realized that and I've only been trying for what? 5 days? No one wants to admit their shortcomings. I could make a list of all my flaws right here, but I won't. If you ask me, I'll tell you, but just spouting them off cause I can doesn't benefit anyone. But the thing about being transparent with the world around you is that it makes you transparent to you. I have this theory; I think we spend so much time trying to convince the people around us that the fake me is actually the real me, that we start to believe it too. Now this can be a good thing or a bad thing. Example, you want to seem mature, so you start drinking coffee. Now, you think coffee is the nastiest stuff on earth, but you want to "fit in" with your cooler, much more amazing friends. And they drink coffee. So you drink coffee, and you tell them that you like it. And, sure enough, after a while you really think you do! Liking coffee is not a bad thing. Yes, you shouldn't have lied to people, but liking coffee isn't bad. Now for an example of the bad (which is far more common) kind -
You're overweight. You know it. Your family knows it. Your friends now it. You try to not to think about; you try to make it not seem so awful. You call it overweight instead of fat or (heaven forbid!) obese*. But the fact remains--you weigh much more than you should, much, much more. But you're a Christian, so you know that we should be concerned with inner beauty not outward beauty. And you're a Christian, so you know you shouldn't want to be attractive**! So you convince yourself that you don't care . . . and your weight goes up. And you try to diet, but you keep telling everyone that you don't care how you look, it's all about who you are on the inside. You start to think that you really don't care, it really doesn't matter. But deep down, you know. You know that it does matter. You do care. You're sick and tired of being who you are and you just wish that you could be - something else. But you put on your happy face and tell others (and yourself) that you don't care. See how damaging that can be?
Now that first example is so not me! I really do like coffee. I like it a lot actually. And I drink it even when my friends don't and when my brother tells me it's nasty, and I lose respect in his eyes every time I drink it (and he's only half kidding!). But that second example?? That's me. No one wants to admit that they're fat, but there comes a point in life where you (where I) can't deny it anymore. So I tell myself that it's okay, that Jesus loves me anyway. And He does! But it's not okay.
I've always thought that I was overweight. Even when I was little, and by little I mean like six. I loved to play dress up with my friends, but, at the same time, I dreaded it. I hated feeling like I wouldn't fit in all those cute little dresses my friends wore. And you know what the funny thing is? I wasn't even that much larger than they were!
That's me on the left. The right is my friend Cherie, you know, the one getting married!
Silly wasn't I? To think that six year old me was fat? Oh if I was only that "fat!" I don't know why I thought that then, but I did. And sure enough, it became like a self fulfilling prophecy. Here's another picture of us, taken back in 2007. By this time I now longer took full body shots (I don't think I have any from the past 6 years or so!).
Seriously, it's pics like this that make me just love my Chee! I'm so blessed to have a friend like that since, well, infancy.
Now, I don't actually believe I'm overweight because I thought I was when I was six. I know that being overweight is actually hereditary (I learned that in Psyche class of all things!), and my inactivity (can I help it I book is more interesting to me than sports?? :P) certainly doesn't help matters! But I've tried losing weight in the past and I've never succeeded. I always wondered why. I mean, I wanted it badly enough . . . or did I?
In the past two months I took a good hard look at myself and my weight. And I don't like what I see. I've lied to myself. I've told myself that I don't care what I look like. I've told myself that I shouldn't want to be attractive**. I've told myself that I couldn't help it. But I do, I should, and I can.
All of this (whew, this is a long post! Sorry for all the rambling!) has led to project four. Me. No more lies.
I'm fat--I don't want to be. I don't think I'm pretty--I want to. I want to do this--and I can!
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me - Philippians 4:13.
*rabbit trail - isn't it funny how some words just sound grosser than others. Say chocolate. Nice word right? Sounds pretty, rolls off your tongue. Say obese. Eww. Am I right?
**More about this in a later post.
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