I’m not insecure!

I’m just always obsessing over what people think of me and how I compare to other people. Oh wait . . .

Insecurity. It’s not a word with which anyone likes to associate themselves especially Christians. As a Christian, I link my insecurity to a complete lack of trust in God. Being a PK and kind of an MK (i.e. my dad’s salary comes from the support of fellow Christians who are led by God to support us), I’ve learned a lot about trust. My daddy truly has taught us to live by faith. Sometimes I don’t like the way he provides and I think my way would have been far better, but He always provides! Yet, somehow when it comes to trusting that I really am “good enough” because I’ve been cleansed by Christ’s awesome work on the cross, well, let’s just say that I have a heard time believing it. I do believe in the sense that I know full well that it’s the truth. But I allow my self to wallow in self-pity and insecurity - I’m not “good enough,” I’m not “thin enough” I’m not “pretty enough,” I’m not “smart enough,” and I am absolutely in no way “godly enough!”

Most single women sort of live with the delusion that having a boyfriend would make most of that go away. Now, I knew this wasn’t true. Believe it or not, I’ve always been a strong proponent of you know, not relying on a guy to make you happy. I’ve known people who did that and guess what?? They’re not happy. I also know people who flit from boy to boy hoping that one will give them what they want. They still haven’t found him. So I knew entering a relationship would not instantly erase my insecurities. However, I didn’t expect it to make them worse. But it did. So know I wallow in fear and insecurity – I’m not “good enough” for him, I’m not “thin enough” for him, I’m not “pretty enough” for him, I’m not “smart enough” for him, and I am absolutely in no way “godly enough” for him!

And the saddest part about that?? It doesn’t come from him; it comes from me. He calls me brilliant, tells people I’m awesome, and shows his friend from work my picture. But I, I’m convinced he’s wrong.

How dare I? What gives me the right to be so prideful? Because that’s what it comes down to really.

Pride. It’s a word that makes me squirm even more than insecurity. After all, we can blame our insecurity on other people. But pride? That’s all you. I’ve heard every excuse in the book for insecurity (e.g. my mother always told me I was fat) and most of them are extremely viable causes of insecurity. But I’ve never heard anyone say, “I’m prideful because so-and-so made me this way.” The mere thought is ludicrous. Pride is a focus on self. Pride sucks all the joy out of real accomplishment by making us feel like we ought to have done that well. It also doubles the pain when we fail. Even our insecurity about other’s actions are prideful. It’s all about how their actions relate to us. Why didn’t he call?? Is he bored of me? Why did he look at her? Does he think she’s prettier than I? Why didn’t my friend want to hang out? Is she bored with me? Me, me, me-me, me!!!! It’s all about me.

Why do we never stop to think that maybe he didn’t answer because he’s at work, or that maybe he stared at her because her shirt was hideous (guys do notice such things at times), or that maybe your friend has a killer load of homework/work. Nope, it can’t be that. Must be me. I’m tired of it. I don’t want it to be about me anymore.

I need to stop focusing on how everything reflects on me and start focusing on how it reflects on my Saviour. John Piper puts a slight twist into the response to the catechism that states the goal of mankind on earth – to glorify God by enjoying Him forever. Why can’t I let that be enough for it surely is. I need to stop finding joy in what others think of me and start finding joy in Him. After all, “for in [God] I take refuge. I say to the Lord, ‘You are my Lord; I have no good apart from You.’” Psalm 16:1b-2

Goodbye, Insecurity. You have been a terrible friend.