New Year . . . Or Is It?

There is a part of me that embraces January as the start of the new year. That part is the slightly obsessively organized part. There’s something comforting about the start of a new 12 month cycle. It’s set, definite. Every month has a set number of days and when we reach the end we cycle back through again. Organized, neat.

But the truth of the matter is we rarely approach life in such a neat little cycle. For me, there is very little difference between December 31st and January 1st. But there’s a great difference between say January 18th and January 19th (the start of my spring semester and junior year of college). And there was an even greater difference between September 8th and 9th 2010 (the start of my fall semester and the end of the most challenging summer of my life). And stuck in the middle of all those dates are other small dates that “changed” my life and created fresh starts of different aspects of my life. While most of the changes have been embraced, the fact remains that they didn’t wait till January 1st, 2011 to make there appearance. My life doesn’t restart on the first of January like the calendar does. I don’t think I would want it too.

If everything of note happened on the first of the new calendar year it would be overwhelming. So I don’t really celebrate the new year overmuch. I try to remember the dates of important events in my life and celebrate them. However, the celebration of the new year exists and so on the 31st of December I stay up till midnight and drink sparkling cider with the rest of them. And on the 1st of January we have a celebratory dinner. But other than that? I have a room that needs to be painted and books to be read, laundry to be done and bags to be packed. So life goes on and so do I. And it’s not at all depressing as it seems to be. There’s something comforting in the changes of the calendar, even if they don’t affect my daily life. There is a reason God created seasons even if I can’t tell you what it is. But I rejoice that I can trust in His sovereignty in this and every year (no matter when you think the new year starts).

Psalm 104

Bless the Lord, O my soul!

O Lord my God, you are very great!
You are clothed with splendor and majesty,
covering yourself with light as with a garment,
stretching out the heavens like a tent.

He lays the beams of his chambers on the waters;
he makes the clouds his chariot;
he rides on the wings of the wind; he makes his messengers winds,
his ministers a flaming fire.

He set the earth on its foundations,
so that it should never be moved.
You covered it with the deep as with a garment;
the waters stood above the mountains.
At your rebuke they fled;
at the sound of your thunder they took to flight.
The mountains rose, the valleys sank down
to the place that you appointed for them.
You set a boundary that they may not pass,
so that they might not again cover the earth.

You make springs gush forth in the valleys;
they flow between the hills;
they give drink to every beast of the field;
the wild donkeys quench their thirst.
Beside them the birds of the heavens dwell;
they sing among the branches.

From your lofty abode you water the mountains;
the earth is satisfied with the fruit of your work.

You cause the grass to grow for the livestock
and plants for man to cultivate,
that he may bring forth food from the earth
and wine to gladden the heart of man,
oil to make his face shine
and bread to strengthen man's heart.

The trees of the Lord are watered abundantly,
the cedars of Lebanon that he planted.
In them the birds build their nests;
the stork has her home in the fir trees.
The high mountains are for the wild goats;
the rocks are a refuge for the rock badgers.

He made the moon to mark the seasons;
the sun knows its time for setting.
You make darkness, and it is night,
when all the beasts of the forest creep about.

The young lions roar for their prey,
seeking their food from God.
When the sun rises, they steal away
and lie down in their dens.
Man goes out to his work
and to his labor until the evening.

O Lord, how manifold are your works!
In wisdom have you made them all;
the earth is full of your creatures.
Here is the sea, great and wide,
which teems with creatures innumerable,
living things both small and great.
There go the ships,
and Leviathan, which you formed to play in it.

These all look to you,
to give them their food in due season.

When you give it to them, they gather it up;
when you open your hand, they are filled with good things.
When you hide your face, they are dismayed;
when you take away their breath, they die
and return to their dust.
When you send forth your Spirit, they are created,
and you renew the face of the ground.

May the glory of the Lord endure forever;
may the Lord rejoice in his works,
who looks on the earth and it trembles,
who touches the mountains and they smoke!

I will sing to the Lord as long as I live;
I will sing praise to my God while I have being.
May my meditation be pleasing to him,
for I rejoice in the Lord.
Let sinners be consumed from the earth,
and let the wicked be no more!
Bless the Lord, O my soul!
Praise the Lord!

The Blizzard and the Gathering

It has snowed. A lot. Like tons. Like my dog can’t walk outside for fear of being lost in the snow. This snow arrived on Sunday night into Monday and my dear city has been crippled ever since. There’s great uproar over the poor management of the snow removal and according to my dad after things cool down “heads will roll.”
Normally, I love when it snows! And while I still couldn’t resist the magic that is a white, snow-covered world, I wasn’t exactly thrilled that the blizzard chose this of all weekends to make it’s appearance. I mean surely it could have waited till it resulted in a snow day from school, right?? Alas, such was not the case. But more than the snow day, I wanted to be able to head over to Hatfield, PA for the Ziegler Family Gathering. My mom’s side of the family (and her mom’s beyond her) gather at this time every year for food, fun, and fellowship. I can’t remember I time that we missed this gathering and the Christmas season wouldn’t be the same without it.
So, about a day after the snow dropped on our city like a bomb, my brother and I began the task of digging out our vehicle hoping (at least I was) that when we finally did free the car from the snow’s icy grip that it would be able to handle the snow that was left on the road. We had yet to test out this van’s snow driving capabilities. We successfully freed our car and began our trek to PA. With only a couple struggles (we had to dig out at one point) and after seeing some astounding sights (we passed a bus that had been stuck since Sunday night), we managed to make it to the highway for what we figured would be free sailing, or, you know, driving.
Well it wasn’t quite free and clear from then out. The NJ Turnpike bogged us down quite a bit and our 2 hour trip took 4 hours instead. Good thing we left extra time!
We finally made it and it was well worth the stress. My family is quite a group when we all gather together. I think the total number reached about 75 this year. We even make a pretty decent choir. I’d show you the video but it’s only on Facebook and that link doesn’t work. But you can take my word for it that it was a good night. Especially, because I got to introduce this young man to my family!

I’m not insecure!

I’m just always obsessing over what people think of me and how I compare to other people. Oh wait . . .

Insecurity. It’s not a word with which anyone likes to associate themselves especially Christians. As a Christian, I link my insecurity to a complete lack of trust in God. Being a PK and kind of an MK (i.e. my dad’s salary comes from the support of fellow Christians who are led by God to support us), I’ve learned a lot about trust. My daddy truly has taught us to live by faith. Sometimes I don’t like the way he provides and I think my way would have been far better, but He always provides! Yet, somehow when it comes to trusting that I really am “good enough” because I’ve been cleansed by Christ’s awesome work on the cross, well, let’s just say that I have a heard time believing it. I do believe in the sense that I know full well that it’s the truth. But I allow my self to wallow in self-pity and insecurity - I’m not “good enough,” I’m not “thin enough” I’m not “pretty enough,” I’m not “smart enough,” and I am absolutely in no way “godly enough!”

Most single women sort of live with the delusion that having a boyfriend would make most of that go away. Now, I knew this wasn’t true. Believe it or not, I’ve always been a strong proponent of you know, not relying on a guy to make you happy. I’ve known people who did that and guess what?? They’re not happy. I also know people who flit from boy to boy hoping that one will give them what they want. They still haven’t found him. So I knew entering a relationship would not instantly erase my insecurities. However, I didn’t expect it to make them worse. But it did. So know I wallow in fear and insecurity – I’m not “good enough” for him, I’m not “thin enough” for him, I’m not “pretty enough” for him, I’m not “smart enough” for him, and I am absolutely in no way “godly enough” for him!

And the saddest part about that?? It doesn’t come from him; it comes from me. He calls me brilliant, tells people I’m awesome, and shows his friend from work my picture. But I, I’m convinced he’s wrong.

How dare I? What gives me the right to be so prideful? Because that’s what it comes down to really.

Pride. It’s a word that makes me squirm even more than insecurity. After all, we can blame our insecurity on other people. But pride? That’s all you. I’ve heard every excuse in the book for insecurity (e.g. my mother always told me I was fat) and most of them are extremely viable causes of insecurity. But I’ve never heard anyone say, “I’m prideful because so-and-so made me this way.” The mere thought is ludicrous. Pride is a focus on self. Pride sucks all the joy out of real accomplishment by making us feel like we ought to have done that well. It also doubles the pain when we fail. Even our insecurity about other’s actions are prideful. It’s all about how their actions relate to us. Why didn’t he call?? Is he bored of me? Why did he look at her? Does he think she’s prettier than I? Why didn’t my friend want to hang out? Is she bored with me? Me, me, me-me, me!!!! It’s all about me.

Why do we never stop to think that maybe he didn’t answer because he’s at work, or that maybe he stared at her because her shirt was hideous (guys do notice such things at times), or that maybe your friend has a killer load of homework/work. Nope, it can’t be that. Must be me. I’m tired of it. I don’t want it to be about me anymore.

I need to stop focusing on how everything reflects on me and start focusing on how it reflects on my Saviour. John Piper puts a slight twist into the response to the catechism that states the goal of mankind on earth – to glorify God by enjoying Him forever. Why can’t I let that be enough for it surely is. I need to stop finding joy in what others think of me and start finding joy in Him. After all, “for in [God] I take refuge. I say to the Lord, ‘You are my Lord; I have no good apart from You.’” Psalm 16:1b-2

Goodbye, Insecurity. You have been a terrible friend.

What Child Is This?

Well I'm a horrible blogger. It's a good thing I don't have that many readers!!
This fall has been extremely busy in wonderful ways! I started my fourth semester of college in September. I was just beginning to think that I should start looking for a job when my professor offered me a part-time (10 hours a week) job working for the Education Department. I couldn't have asked for a better job! I loved working with my professor, and I did lots of photocopying and data entry which I actually really enjoy. I enjoyed all but one of my classes this semester which was surprising as I only "planned" on liking two. However, next semester already looms in the distance, and I dread it. My professor told me on Tuesday that I would make a great teacher but she saw me as more of a researcher. I'm not sure where she came up with that . . .
Anyway, perhaps the reason I did not blog for so many months was that I had nothing of interest to share. As you can see, almost all of the past three months was summed up in one paragraph. And the only other major thing that happened in those months officially happened a week ago. And although I expected it was coming, it was certainly not something I was going to blog about!

So what is the major change in my life that happened last week you are asking? Well remember that rather horrible summer I wrote about here?? Well that horror resulted in something I never expected.

I have a friend. We've been friends for years and known each other for longer (like 10 years)!! Summer of 2009 would probably be when I really began to consider him a close friend however, as we worked on the leadership team together at Pinebrook. We both came back for summer 2010 excited for what God was going to do! I was convinced going into this summer that something amazing was going to happen. Well this summer was not the amazing summer we expected it to be though we both grew in our faith immensely as a result! However, even more than growth, God brought something amazing out of this summer. Our relationship. I got to know Eric so well this summer, and we found that in addition to having a ton of things in common (likes/dislikes, humor, hopes for the future), we were the humans that God used to help the other one survive this summer. And so I think, if He can use us in each others lives to that extent in summer 2010, how much more can He use us if we're together for longer?? Apparently Eric thinks the same way because last week he spoke with my dad and last weekend we started dating.

I don't know what this means fully for my future. But I know that we've both said that dating is not for playing around. It is serious. And so we are serious - serious about seeing if this is what God has for us, serious about seeking God's will in the matter. Won't you join us in prayer?

So that has been my fall. Exciting stuff for sure! I just got all my grades in yesterday and am quite happy with the result. Now it is Christmas Eve, and I can hardly believe it came so fast! Christmas is my favorite holiday. It astounds me to think that the Saviour of the world came to earth as a little baby. Can you imagine what it must be like to have cradled the King of the Universe in your arms and rocked your LORD to sleep?? It boggles the mind. And so, on this Christmas Eve (or whenever you read this) I challenge you to stop, ponder what Christ gave for you, and worship Him! Find your joy in Him. Glorify Him! And remember what the Psalmist said in Psalm 16, "I say to the LORD, 'You are my Lord; I have no good apart from you.'"

Eternally grateful for the good He's brought to me this year,

A Soft Answer

Proverbs 15:1 & 28

A soft answer turns away wrath, But a harsh word stirs up anger. The heart of the righteous studies how to answer, But the mouth of the wicked pours forth evil.

Seems a funny thing to say, but when I'm gone over the summer my relationship with my family is excellent. I miss my family and we catch up on the phone or web chatting. In these, sometimes hour-long, conversations the little things don't bother me. When I'm home, everything bothers everyone. It seems no one can say anything that doesn't set someone off. Our answers are anything but soft or studied. And you know that family that everyone thinks is perfect, but on the inside they're messed up? Yeah, well that's not even us. Sometimes we're the shortest and snappiest with each other in front of others. This ought not to be. When I watch how my family functions I rarely see love. Ouch. There are few things in a Christian's life that should cause more pain than the realization that an aspect of your life doesn't fall in line with what God would have it to be and doesn't bring glory to God.

I love my family, more than anything in this world. But I don't always show it in my actions and words.

It is not enough to say "I love you." We must show "I love you." Love is shown through actions, service, hugs, gentle speech, and the embracing of dreams simply because they are the dreams of someone you love.
My dear family,
     I love you! I make mistakes and I don't always show it. Today I commit to trying anew to show you love in all I do. As I pray for you, won't you pray for me? Pray that the love of Christ might shine through me, through us.

I love you!

 

Take a look at your family. Are you showing love? Are you speaking in love? Would you want God to hear your family's daily conversations? Because he does. Is He glorified? Can I challenge you today to love? Can I challenge you to live every day in the knowledge that family is a gift from God, a gift that isn't promised for tomorrow? Love your family!

Feeling Foolish

Have you ever done something so dumb you just felt like the biggest idiot on the face of the planet? Well that's how I felt this morning with tears and all. And then I thought, what can a learn from this. So, in a moment of frustration, I pulled my study Bible off the shelf and flipped open the topical index to look up stupidity. Nothing. And then I thought, stupidity isn't really a "Bible word." So I looked up foolishness and sure enough, there it was. And then my brilliant plan backfired. My topical index led me to Mark 7. Here's what it said in Mark 7:21-23 ~ For from within, out of the heart of men, proceed evil thoughts, adulteries, fornications, murders, thefts, covetousness, wickedness, deceit, lewdness, an evil eye, blasphemy, pride, foolishness. All these evil things come from within and defile a man." Wow. Foolishness is right up there with adultery and fornication. Who da thunk? And at first that just made me more depressed. But then, I thought about it some more. If I can think of foolishness as part of my human nature, then my foolish actions are covered under the grace of God! Does that mean that I can go around without thinking of my actions and doing whatever I want? As Paul would say, "Certainly not! How shall we who died to sin live any longer in it?" (Romans 6:2). However, it does mean that I don't have to freak out every time I make a foolish decision. For "all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose." (Romans 8:28). And even if I can't seem to forget that stupid mistake I made. God can. Hebrews 8:12 "For I will be merciful to their unrighteousness, and their sins and their lawless deeds I will remember no more."

On This Day

September 11. The mere uttering of this date evokes somber faces, anger, and tears. Every year on the anniversary of this date there is a ceremony. A ceremony at which they read all the names of the people who lost their lives on that day. It shows on every channel we get in our house and goes on for hours (as I type it's been going on for almost two hours and they're only at the G's). And I can't help but wonder, is this really beneficial? Don't get me wrong, what happened on that day ten years ago was a national tragedy, a tragedy that left all Americans feeling unsafe in their own homes. And yet, they're still gone. No matter how many times we read their names and wish them back, they're still gone. I work with young children, children who are so young they have no recollection of life before 9/11/01. What does this mean to them? Not much, it's history to them. I have a friend whose birthday is tomorrow and I've often wondered, what was his 7^th birthday like back in 2001. Did he really understand what was going on? Could he comprehend why no one was celebrating on his birthday?

These thoughts leave me feeling cold and heartless. This is my city, my neighbors, shouldn't I feel more patriotic? Shouldn't I watch this ceremony with tears streaming down my face? But I don't. The only thing about this ceremony that makes me want to cry is the terrible theology of the people reading the names. Hearing people tell their dead loved ones that they are praying for them, that 9/11 was fate, that maybe if It had been another day they wouldn't have died, asking them to help the family still on earth is what makes me want to weep. If these people only understood the grace of our great God.

And then I realize, they don't. They don't understand the grace of God . . . and chances are neither did their loved ones. And that makes me want to weep. Terrorists attacks are tragic, but far more tragic is the number of people who died not knowing my Savior. And so I understand why these people recite names. Maybe I would too if I didn't have faith in my awesome God. But as for me? I've moved on. On this day, I'm not going to spend hours mourning the lives lost. A few moments of respectful silence is all I need. On this day, I'm going to live for those who live with me. I'm going to hug, love, and care for the ones who actually need the hugs, love, and care. And I'm going to pray. But not for those who are already gone; I can't do anything for them. I'm going to pray for those whose lives are not yet lost, for those who still have a chance to learn of the love of my Savior.

Won't you join me?