The Blizzard and the Gathering

It has snowed. A lot. Like tons. Like my dog can’t walk outside for fear of being lost in the snow. This snow arrived on Sunday night into Monday and my dear city has been crippled ever since. There’s great uproar over the poor management of the snow removal and according to my dad after things cool down “heads will roll.”
Normally, I love when it snows! And while I still couldn’t resist the magic that is a white, snow-covered world, I wasn’t exactly thrilled that the blizzard chose this of all weekends to make it’s appearance. I mean surely it could have waited till it resulted in a snow day from school, right?? Alas, such was not the case. But more than the snow day, I wanted to be able to head over to Hatfield, PA for the Ziegler Family Gathering. My mom’s side of the family (and her mom’s beyond her) gather at this time every year for food, fun, and fellowship. I can’t remember I time that we missed this gathering and the Christmas season wouldn’t be the same without it.
So, about a day after the snow dropped on our city like a bomb, my brother and I began the task of digging out our vehicle hoping (at least I was) that when we finally did free the car from the snow’s icy grip that it would be able to handle the snow that was left on the road. We had yet to test out this van’s snow driving capabilities. We successfully freed our car and began our trek to PA. With only a couple struggles (we had to dig out at one point) and after seeing some astounding sights (we passed a bus that had been stuck since Sunday night), we managed to make it to the highway for what we figured would be free sailing, or, you know, driving.
Well it wasn’t quite free and clear from then out. The NJ Turnpike bogged us down quite a bit and our 2 hour trip took 4 hours instead. Good thing we left extra time!
We finally made it and it was well worth the stress. My family is quite a group when we all gather together. I think the total number reached about 75 this year. We even make a pretty decent choir. I’d show you the video but it’s only on Facebook and that link doesn’t work. But you can take my word for it that it was a good night. Especially, because I got to introduce this young man to my family!

I’m not insecure!

I’m just always obsessing over what people think of me and how I compare to other people. Oh wait . . .

Insecurity. It’s not a word with which anyone likes to associate themselves especially Christians. As a Christian, I link my insecurity to a complete lack of trust in God. Being a PK and kind of an MK (i.e. my dad’s salary comes from the support of fellow Christians who are led by God to support us), I’ve learned a lot about trust. My daddy truly has taught us to live by faith. Sometimes I don’t like the way he provides and I think my way would have been far better, but He always provides! Yet, somehow when it comes to trusting that I really am “good enough” because I’ve been cleansed by Christ’s awesome work on the cross, well, let’s just say that I have a heard time believing it. I do believe in the sense that I know full well that it’s the truth. But I allow my self to wallow in self-pity and insecurity - I’m not “good enough,” I’m not “thin enough” I’m not “pretty enough,” I’m not “smart enough,” and I am absolutely in no way “godly enough!”

Most single women sort of live with the delusion that having a boyfriend would make most of that go away. Now, I knew this wasn’t true. Believe it or not, I’ve always been a strong proponent of you know, not relying on a guy to make you happy. I’ve known people who did that and guess what?? They’re not happy. I also know people who flit from boy to boy hoping that one will give them what they want. They still haven’t found him. So I knew entering a relationship would not instantly erase my insecurities. However, I didn’t expect it to make them worse. But it did. So know I wallow in fear and insecurity – I’m not “good enough” for him, I’m not “thin enough” for him, I’m not “pretty enough” for him, I’m not “smart enough” for him, and I am absolutely in no way “godly enough” for him!

And the saddest part about that?? It doesn’t come from him; it comes from me. He calls me brilliant, tells people I’m awesome, and shows his friend from work my picture. But I, I’m convinced he’s wrong.

How dare I? What gives me the right to be so prideful? Because that’s what it comes down to really.

Pride. It’s a word that makes me squirm even more than insecurity. After all, we can blame our insecurity on other people. But pride? That’s all you. I’ve heard every excuse in the book for insecurity (e.g. my mother always told me I was fat) and most of them are extremely viable causes of insecurity. But I’ve never heard anyone say, “I’m prideful because so-and-so made me this way.” The mere thought is ludicrous. Pride is a focus on self. Pride sucks all the joy out of real accomplishment by making us feel like we ought to have done that well. It also doubles the pain when we fail. Even our insecurity about other’s actions are prideful. It’s all about how their actions relate to us. Why didn’t he call?? Is he bored of me? Why did he look at her? Does he think she’s prettier than I? Why didn’t my friend want to hang out? Is she bored with me? Me, me, me-me, me!!!! It’s all about me.

Why do we never stop to think that maybe he didn’t answer because he’s at work, or that maybe he stared at her because her shirt was hideous (guys do notice such things at times), or that maybe your friend has a killer load of homework/work. Nope, it can’t be that. Must be me. I’m tired of it. I don’t want it to be about me anymore.

I need to stop focusing on how everything reflects on me and start focusing on how it reflects on my Saviour. John Piper puts a slight twist into the response to the catechism that states the goal of mankind on earth – to glorify God by enjoying Him forever. Why can’t I let that be enough for it surely is. I need to stop finding joy in what others think of me and start finding joy in Him. After all, “for in [God] I take refuge. I say to the Lord, ‘You are my Lord; I have no good apart from You.’” Psalm 16:1b-2

Goodbye, Insecurity. You have been a terrible friend.

What Child Is This?

Well I'm a horrible blogger. It's a good thing I don't have that many readers!!
This fall has been extremely busy in wonderful ways! I started my fourth semester of college in September. I was just beginning to think that I should start looking for a job when my professor offered me a part-time (10 hours a week) job working for the Education Department. I couldn't have asked for a better job! I loved working with my professor, and I did lots of photocopying and data entry which I actually really enjoy. I enjoyed all but one of my classes this semester which was surprising as I only "planned" on liking two. However, next semester already looms in the distance, and I dread it. My professor told me on Tuesday that I would make a great teacher but she saw me as more of a researcher. I'm not sure where she came up with that . . .
Anyway, perhaps the reason I did not blog for so many months was that I had nothing of interest to share. As you can see, almost all of the past three months was summed up in one paragraph. And the only other major thing that happened in those months officially happened a week ago. And although I expected it was coming, it was certainly not something I was going to blog about!

So what is the major change in my life that happened last week you are asking? Well remember that rather horrible summer I wrote about here?? Well that horror resulted in something I never expected.

I have a friend. We've been friends for years and known each other for longer (like 10 years)!! Summer of 2009 would probably be when I really began to consider him a close friend however, as we worked on the leadership team together at Pinebrook. We both came back for summer 2010 excited for what God was going to do! I was convinced going into this summer that something amazing was going to happen. Well this summer was not the amazing summer we expected it to be though we both grew in our faith immensely as a result! However, even more than growth, God brought something amazing out of this summer. Our relationship. I got to know Eric so well this summer, and we found that in addition to having a ton of things in common (likes/dislikes, humor, hopes for the future), we were the humans that God used to help the other one survive this summer. And so I think, if He can use us in each others lives to that extent in summer 2010, how much more can He use us if we're together for longer?? Apparently Eric thinks the same way because last week he spoke with my dad and last weekend we started dating.

I don't know what this means fully for my future. But I know that we've both said that dating is not for playing around. It is serious. And so we are serious - serious about seeing if this is what God has for us, serious about seeking God's will in the matter. Won't you join us in prayer?

So that has been my fall. Exciting stuff for sure! I just got all my grades in yesterday and am quite happy with the result. Now it is Christmas Eve, and I can hardly believe it came so fast! Christmas is my favorite holiday. It astounds me to think that the Saviour of the world came to earth as a little baby. Can you imagine what it must be like to have cradled the King of the Universe in your arms and rocked your LORD to sleep?? It boggles the mind. And so, on this Christmas Eve (or whenever you read this) I challenge you to stop, ponder what Christ gave for you, and worship Him! Find your joy in Him. Glorify Him! And remember what the Psalmist said in Psalm 16, "I say to the LORD, 'You are my Lord; I have no good apart from you.'"

Eternally grateful for the good He's brought to me this year,